The Purest Love

Sometimes, I wonder if you can find the purest love. What is actually pure love? “Pure love is a willingness to give without a thought of receiving anything in return.” Some people mistake this for unconditional love. Both are very differently. Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of the loved one's qualities or actions. I have experience unconditional love but just recently felt pure love. It has me really confused and giddy. I want to drown in his love and can’t think of anyone but him now. I am so scared to lose it or never get to feel it again.

How can I just make him see ME?

 

Fade Into You or Something Like You…

Lately, it has been too much changes, too much of my freedom being taken slowly but surely. Don’t get me wrong I love being in a relationship but I don’t want it to be rushing too fast. I am not in any sense want to be with Superman or anyone else for that matter. Phoenix is cool and great but I think at first he was not trying  to attach himself to me but now things have changed and I don’t like it. By changes I mean call me more often, actually coming around more too, and making future plans with me. I like it in some way but at the same time it makes me run and hide.  I am not sure what brought this all on. I usually feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I am around him for some reason. I feel like it shouldn’t even be like that with anyone. I need some space from the world and my decisions.

Girlfriends And Associates….

I know that I have been writing about guys but I won’t let my girl-friends feel bad since they too read my blog and some are pretty upset that I have not or never mentioned them. Geez, I got the hint girls. Ok, where should I start than? Well, there’s Kat, Jada, Natalia, Sandra, Jackie, Liza and Deena; of course, I changed their names but they know who they are. I love them dearly no matter how things get, its always a win-win situation with them.

Jada- I can write a book about her. I known her for over 6 years or so. Jada is a Label Whore and into fashion. We use to do everything together until one day Superman showed up and she got into a jealousy rage. Apparently, he use to date her older sister a very long time ago. I do mean way before I met any of them. It was by chance I met Superman not though anyone else. She was getting upset that he was treating me very differently and I guess he use to treat her sister really bad. He pulled out the horses with coach for me. I have always hanged out with her no matter if anyone else liked her, which a lot of guys didn’t but they would be quick to have sex with her. I don’t know but her sister one day started talking shit through text messaging and we all stopped talking but payback is a bitch and one day she will know what I mean. Right, sweetie!!!

Kat- All the lovely Kat known her for over 8 years now. She’s married and has a wonderful son. We stopped talking because of my son’s father Mr. Egotistic. So there is really not much to say about except I thought she was my friend not Mr. Egotistic friend. She doesn’t even call me but she does Hector more than me. Yes, I am very bitter about it. I loved being with her but those days are through more or less.

Natalia- I at least see her every other day or week. She understands me a lot better than most of other girls I guess. We like the same things and its fun talking to her. I love her for that and very thankful.

Sandra- A wonderful friend and very sweet and funny. I like her jokes and her sincerity of life. She is a very optimistic person and a problem solver. She has been there for Superman and me, along with her family; which her son is Superman’s best friends. If you get that, ha ha ha.

Liza & Jackie & Raymond- This is a friendship of eternity, loyal and passionate one. We all have been friends since I was 18 years-old. We were inseparable until Mr. Egotistic again came between us for a short period of time. You see Mr. Egotistic could never stand the fact that I had friends and I was always with them. His ugly jealousy always showed and reared its ugly head all the time when we were together. We did everything together and always got into trouble together and got out of trouble together. If they would let us, we would of ruled the world together. That’s how are relationship was. Jackie lives in Puerto Rico with her kids, Liza and Raymond still live in Florida and for me, I am in Minnesota.

Deena- I love it when she comes around. We click like locks. I have nothing bad to say about her.

So here are my comments and thoughts of everyone.

Bad Romance For Real!!!

I seem to always attract guys that only want to have sex all the time with me. BORING!!! Don’t let my name Sex Kitten fool you. It has nothing to do with sex. Now a days, it seems that I only get to see four walls with guys and that has to end now. They don’t take me out or nothing. I am personally will stop dating for a very long time (wait can you even call that dating if only you see the four walls???), besides Superman comes home in 7 months. I still haven’t decided what I am going to do about that.

This is it, I am staying clear of men for a bit. Why lie about it? I am not feeling any of them. I am not even close to attraction or love any of them. Superman was the only one who awakened something in me. I truly gave up on love and romance. I was so bitter and cynical, when I met Superman but we talked for months before we actually started going out for a date or before I met his family. I don’t think even Lex was truly able to break through my walls or anything else.

Just When You Thought You Would Never….

What a title, huh? Today has been a pretty much beautiful day. My daughter’s birthday and a couple of my friends, too. I had to go to court for child support today with baby daddy number 3, Mr. Egotistic is his name. Yeah, you know the one who thinks his so important that he takes hours to primp himself before walking out the door. Anyway, it went pretty well. I got what I wanted and so did he. Deena actually came with me just because I don’t trust Mr. Egotistic so much. I didn’t know what to expect or think. So, I had her tag along with me. Just in case there was a lot of tension; which there wasn’t “Thank, God!”

I haven’t seen Tammy in over 2 years and I ran into her today of all days with her Baby Daddy, which I totally forgot his name. Awkward, huh? Well, I may have on purposely forgotten his name. I totally can’t remember it for the life of me. He was always trying to hook up with me and I don’t personally go out with my girl-friends exes. I think that is really disrespectful totally. He was watching me and teasing me because I was wearing pink to court and stuff. He actually said if I was a little too old to wear pink. Ok, I was insulated and I told him that Pink is for anyone young at heart. Oh, wait you must be really old than? Besides, its the summer color for fashion, WOW!

I was a smart-ass of course. I had too be since I was not about to let him bring me down on my daughter’s birthday. He started asking me where I lived and things like that. I was being really skeptical of his questions and I gave him very vague answers.

**NOTE** So, I am very glad that I never received that call at all as of yet….

Just Got My Heart Ripped Out!

I got a horrifying call today from Phoenix, after weeks of talking myself out of ever seeing him again I fell back into his trap of illusions. I know much better than believe a guy and his lies. He asked me a multiple times if I was pregnant. Makes me think that the condom broke off or something. I am truly freaking out here. Ok, I am just driving  myself crazy, I think. I better get check totally. It’s way too late for Plan B or anything else plus I don’t do abortions I don’t believe in them entirely only under dire situations.

Can you believe he actually wanted to get married and stay with me and then all of a sudden he called and said he has to leave to go back to his country. Wow! I am actually in shock but not mad, maybe hurt a little. I have too many mix emotions running wild within me. Now, I have to put my life on hold to see if I am pregnant before carrying on with my life without the daddy again.

I sometimes wonder how I get myself into all this mess. I will carry on and go forward into the future as I have always done alone. I have no girlfriends around to help pick up the pieces or get me a tub of ice cream or let me cry. Just Cairo and me! I guess writing on my blog and a song soon will get me back on track soon enough.

It’s kind of funny that I haven’t shed one tear yet. Huh?

Something To Do Suggested By A Readers

I get tons of emails a day asking me questions and I figure I will add a FAQ on my blog, but the questions will be ask by the Readers, instead. I thought it would be more fun and you would actually enjoy it. Here goes:

FAQ: PART ONE

1. When will your novels come out to the public and what are you working on now? – Raymond B.

The novels I am currently working on will be coming out 2011-2012, which are the following:

The Forbidden Dreams-Book One (Adult Fantasy)

New Beginnings-Book One (Vampire Series)

Diary of a Lycanthropic: Book One-Pure Bred (Werewolf Series)

True Life of a Sociopath

     Currently working on the next books in the series and an autobiography of my life is in the works.

2. What are you favorite books and movies?-Gregory H.

Well, my favorite books are by a few authors and there books are a lot but here goes:

a. Christine Feehan: Dark Series

b. L.J. Smith: The Vampire Diaries & The Secret Circle

c. Charlaine Harris: Sookie Stackhouse Series

3. What movies or TV shows do you watch? -Samantha P.

I watch all kinds of movies but I am a total sucker for drama, romance and chick flicks. Now, TV shows I have way too many to mention but the ones I am currently addicted to are True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, Drop Dead Gorgeous, Leverage, Bones, Supernatural, Smallville, etc….

4. Are you planning on recording a new underground record and under who’s name will it be? -Alex T.

I will be recording and producing a new underground album starting in the Summer of 2011 in New Jersey. As far as who’s name; it will always be under Ruthless. I have been writing songs and now looking for an artist to record the demo this Spring 2011.

5. When will your two movies be coming out? -Liz J.

Summer Burns comes out next Summer 2011, we are just finishing up post-production and New Beginnings is still in the screenplay stage but my partners and I haven’t decided how we will record this movie whether in web series or a feature film. It’s still in talks right now.

6. What made you get into the entertainment business and law? –Omar S.

It has always been a dream of mines to be a lawyer since I was 8 years old but I also wanted to become a singer, so I became the next best thing a Record Producer and from there the love of movies continue to grow from when I made my very first music video and animation series for an audio recording class I was taking in college. Now, I want to do both Entertain and Law by becoming a Judge.

7. Your blog is different kind of reading, why have you choose to write about your personal life and everything else? –Liana K.

 I thought that everyone else rights about fashions or celebrities but I wanted to make it a mixer of everything I love and the readers love to read about. I like using my blog to vent out too and get feedback from readers about ideas or if they were in the same situation they give me advice.

8. Will you be continuing blogging about Liberty and her friends? -Trina D.

    I have kept in contact with Liberty and the gang. We are going to continue to  tell her story, so I decided to continue it coming this Winter 2010. Stay tune…

9. Do you have any favorite fashion magazine you read? –Jessie Y.

   My favorite magazines are Cosmopolitan, Vogue and Elle. I read just about anything I can get my hands on. I love fashion and if I was a rich girl I would buy every dress from Vivienne Wang to Calvin Klein to Oscar de la Renta to Torrid. I am so versed in designer labels that I could probably tell you in the dark. 

10. How did you get into writing on blogs and novels? Carrie K.

I was one day thinking of a new trend to try and seen I like writing so much I decided to try the blog thing. I have been writing in my blog since 2007 and I really am starting to enjoy writing about whatever I love and about life.

**Note**

There will be more questions to answer and I will keep you posted on all the new questions from my readers. Love you very much!

When Is It Ever Enough???

I know that I am feeling stuck right now in my life and can’t decide what I really want. That is very unbelievable to me because usually I know right away what I want. This isn’t normal for me to be so frustrated and stuck and you can believe me when I say its not about the sex….

I know I fucked up somewhere and I seem to be climbing my way out of this hole. Seriously can it get any bigger, too. I have been stuck in a nightmare that plays over and over again. I just for once want to jump over the fence and feel the sun all over my skin again. I miss those happy days with my kids, my dog; Cairo and my man Superman. Yes, him! He has always brought a smile to my face even when we were arguing because we need to laugh on how stupid we were arguing.

Besides that; losing your belongings and home can be a real drag. I have decided to start all over in my life and people can’t see why. I am a strong believer of what doesn’t work the first time, move on and find your place in life especially now that my kids are getting older. I have so much things to think about before they all leave to college or with there own family one day. I do sit and wonder how its going to be. I have dreaded this day when they will all be gone and me, left alone once again. It’s funny because I haven’t been alone since I was 13 years old. That isn’t very long in ones life that you think about your days of being alone. If I think about it; my conclusion is that we grew up together, the children and I. I am really happy that they will be doing there own things but I have Cairo and just maybe Superman around or at this point Phoenix. His been talking to me more and coming around here. I am moving again to a much bigger place than where I am currently living at now.

I am heading to Puerto Rico and New Jersey in October 2010. I am so excited to see Black and my family plus visiting King in Virginia this Spring of 2011. We are going to look for the filming location of Vampire Diaries and True Blood. Yeah!!! I am so excited to hangout with King. I have a full year ahead of me and the kids. Can’t wait at all….