Just Got My Heart Ripped Out!

I got a horrifying call today from Phoenix, after weeks of talking myself out of ever seeing him again I fell back into his trap of illusions. I know much better than believe a guy and his lies. He asked me a multiple times if I was pregnant. Makes me think that the condom broke off or something. I am truly freaking out here. Ok, I am just driving  myself crazy, I think. I better get check totally. It’s way too late for Plan B or anything else plus I don’t do abortions I don’t believe in them entirely only under dire situations.

Can you believe he actually wanted to get married and stay with me and then all of a sudden he called and said he has to leave to go back to his country. Wow! I am actually in shock but not mad, maybe hurt a little. I have too many mix emotions running wild within me. Now, I have to put my life on hold to see if I am pregnant before carrying on with my life without the daddy again.

I sometimes wonder how I get myself into all this mess. I will carry on and go forward into the future as I have always done alone. I have no girlfriends around to help pick up the pieces or get me a tub of ice cream or let me cry. Just Cairo and me! I guess writing on my blog and a song soon will get me back on track soon enough.

It’s kind of funny that I haven’t shed one tear yet. Huh?

Something To Do Suggested By A Readers

I get tons of emails a day asking me questions and I figure I will add a FAQ on my blog, but the questions will be ask by the Readers, instead. I thought it would be more fun and you would actually enjoy it. Here goes:

FAQ: PART ONE

1. When will your novels come out to the public and what are you working on now? – Raymond B.

The novels I am currently working on will be coming out 2011-2012, which are the following:

The Forbidden Dreams-Book One (Adult Fantasy)

New Beginnings-Book One (Vampire Series)

Diary of a Lycanthropic: Book One-Pure Bred (Werewolf Series)

True Life of a Sociopath

     Currently working on the next books in the series and an autobiography of my life is in the works.

2. What are you favorite books and movies?-Gregory H.

Well, my favorite books are by a few authors and there books are a lot but here goes:

a. Christine Feehan: Dark Series

b. L.J. Smith: The Vampire Diaries & The Secret Circle

c. Charlaine Harris: Sookie Stackhouse Series

3. What movies or TV shows do you watch? -Samantha P.

I watch all kinds of movies but I am a total sucker for drama, romance and chick flicks. Now, TV shows I have way too many to mention but the ones I am currently addicted to are True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, Drop Dead Gorgeous, Leverage, Bones, Supernatural, Smallville, etc….

4. Are you planning on recording a new underground record and under who’s name will it be? -Alex T.

I will be recording and producing a new underground album starting in the Summer of 2011 in New Jersey. As far as who’s name; it will always be under Ruthless. I have been writing songs and now looking for an artist to record the demo this Spring 2011.

5. When will your two movies be coming out? -Liz J.

Summer Burns comes out next Summer 2011, we are just finishing up post-production and New Beginnings is still in the screenplay stage but my partners and I haven’t decided how we will record this movie whether in web series or a feature film. It’s still in talks right now.

6. What made you get into the entertainment business and law? –Omar S.

It has always been a dream of mines to be a lawyer since I was 8 years old but I also wanted to become a singer, so I became the next best thing a Record Producer and from there the love of movies continue to grow from when I made my very first music video and animation series for an audio recording class I was taking in college. Now, I want to do both Entertain and Law by becoming a Judge.

7. Your blog is different kind of reading, why have you choose to write about your personal life and everything else? –Liana K.

 I thought that everyone else rights about fashions or celebrities but I wanted to make it a mixer of everything I love and the readers love to read about. I like using my blog to vent out too and get feedback from readers about ideas or if they were in the same situation they give me advice.

8. Will you be continuing blogging about Liberty and her friends? -Trina D.

    I have kept in contact with Liberty and the gang. We are going to continue to  tell her story, so I decided to continue it coming this Winter 2010. Stay tune…

9. Do you have any favorite fashion magazine you read? –Jessie Y.

   My favorite magazines are Cosmopolitan, Vogue and Elle. I read just about anything I can get my hands on. I love fashion and if I was a rich girl I would buy every dress from Vivienne Wang to Calvin Klein to Oscar de la Renta to Torrid. I am so versed in designer labels that I could probably tell you in the dark. 

10. How did you get into writing on blogs and novels? Carrie K.

I was one day thinking of a new trend to try and seen I like writing so much I decided to try the blog thing. I have been writing in my blog since 2007 and I really am starting to enjoy writing about whatever I love and about life.

**Note**

There will be more questions to answer and I will keep you posted on all the new questions from my readers. Love you very much!

When Is It Ever Enough???

I know that I am feeling stuck right now in my life and can’t decide what I really want. That is very unbelievable to me because usually I know right away what I want. This isn’t normal for me to be so frustrated and stuck and you can believe me when I say its not about the sex….

I know I fucked up somewhere and I seem to be climbing my way out of this hole. Seriously can it get any bigger, too. I have been stuck in a nightmare that plays over and over again. I just for once want to jump over the fence and feel the sun all over my skin again. I miss those happy days with my kids, my dog; Cairo and my man Superman. Yes, him! He has always brought a smile to my face even when we were arguing because we need to laugh on how stupid we were arguing.

Besides that; losing your belongings and home can be a real drag. I have decided to start all over in my life and people can’t see why. I am a strong believer of what doesn’t work the first time, move on and find your place in life especially now that my kids are getting older. I have so much things to think about before they all leave to college or with there own family one day. I do sit and wonder how its going to be. I have dreaded this day when they will all be gone and me, left alone once again. It’s funny because I haven’t been alone since I was 13 years old. That isn’t very long in ones life that you think about your days of being alone. If I think about it; my conclusion is that we grew up together, the children and I. I am really happy that they will be doing there own things but I have Cairo and just maybe Superman around or at this point Phoenix. His been talking to me more and coming around here. I am moving again to a much bigger place than where I am currently living at now.

I am heading to Puerto Rico and New Jersey in October 2010. I am so excited to see Black and my family plus visiting King in Virginia this Spring of 2011. We are going to look for the filming location of Vampire Diaries and True Blood. Yeah!!! I am so excited to hangout with King. I have a full year ahead of me and the kids. Can’t wait at all….

What Men Really Want In Modern Relationships

Top Dating Tips

Tips on what's really on men's minds when it comes to love and sex

Women often say that men confuse them and that they are unsure what a man is really looking for. They have tried to please them in the past and it hasn't worked so no, the man can concentrate on pleasing them or leave. If the media is to be believed, many women don't care what a man is looking for anymore because they have been empowered by their own sexuality and are comfortable in their new role as sexually liberated career woman in charge of their own destiny. In which case, as long as the man wants them, that is fine.

It doesn't matter whether that view is actually true or not. What is true is that the modern man is increasingly struggling to find his place in the world. The Armed Forces and Space programs quite rightly have very highly qualified career women working in their departments and in most aspects of industry, women excel. The old male bastions are crumbling and with them their innate self respect as well as their understanding of how they should act and what they desire.

Any woman reading this may say well it's a problem for men and they should deal with it. Absolutely, but you cannot expect miracles instantly. Generations of history dictating a man's role and function cannot be decided and altered in the space of 20 years without some fallout. Few can argue against the excitement felt by women as their empowerment continues but at the same time, one must expect issues to coincide with this. And one of those as I said is the question of understanding what the modern man is looking for.

Men have started to evolve and are starting to grasp the fact that their role may not be as it once was. "Starting" is the operative word because this does not mean that there aren't large swathes of the world where men insist on being the breadwinner and women should still remain at home rearing children. It is going to take a long time to change the world. However in our western cities a change is in full swing. Men know that to find a mate they are going to have to work harder than ever before and they are aware that women call the shots far more than ever before. But this doesn't essentially change what a man is looking for.

Okay so what is a man seeking?

• First of all a man is seeking a love-interest. This may surprise many women but men like to love and they like being loved in return. The problem is that many women come across as impassioned and cold. It is not easy to find a loving woman and it is very noticeable how many men try and hang on when they think they have found their Miss Right.

• Men are seeking a woman who is attractive to them. Women may despair that men can be so shallow and that looks could matter so much but be careful. Men aren't necessarily looking for a catwalk model and many men don't like women who weigh 80lbs. But men do want a woman who takes pride in their appearance (though not excessively). Men are proud of having a girlfriend who looks good and I don't believe any man who says otherwise.

• Men are looking for a trustworthy girl, someone they can have faith in and someone who will be there for them. This may sound like an odd thing to say, but the fact is, some women are not trustworthy and many are not faithful either. So many in fact that men are increasingly wary. That kiss at a  Christmas party may not count, or the flirtatious behavior with the gorgeous barman and in fact its all great fun and part of a woman's character. But reverse the situation and as a woman, you hate him doing the same. A man can never forgive a woman being unfaithful and so he is looking for someone who he really does trust.

• Men want to make a home eventually and are looking for a woman who will be a willing sharer in home life. Women with a sociable lifestyle are attractive because they can be relied upon to keep the social diary running in a long term relationship.

• Men are seeking women who are feminine gentle and kind because deep down the qualities that make a woman a great mother are an attraction in themselves. I am not suggesting that the man himself needs mothering, though some do, it is more the point that men seek the attributes in women that point to someone who would make a great mother to future offspring.

• Men want women with a great sense of humor. Women often come across as uptight or too bothered by too many small details. You will sometimes hear mention of a girl who is 'one of the boys'. What this means is that she is able to fit in with their humor and is sociable and fun to be with. Such women are extremely attractive to many men. Men want to have a good time and relax when not working and so their ideal partners are women who are able to do the same.

• Men are looking for women who retain their femininity and and are caring and kind. In recent years, aping men may be a female fashion statement, but it doesn't make them attractive. Whilst every woman in the world burps and farts and has the right to drink pints of beer, it doesn't necessarily attract them to the opposite sex. Women can get angry and say well men will just have to get used to it, but the issue is that they don't. They can just choose not to go for women who act in the same way as their drinking buddies.

• Men want someone who is supportive. Many women are quick to criticize men in their behavior, career and set about trying to alter them and mould them. This is a crucial mistake. Men can be manipulated yes, but they see their partnerships as support systems. The best relationships work both ways in terms of support. Where a woman is not able or willing to give that support and is too quick to criticize then she may lose her man.

• Men don't like angry women who shout. They want a woman who can debate and converse and is able to discuss. Communication is king. A fiery passionate temperament may have made you interesting and challenging on day one. But by day 500 it holds no glory whatsoever.

• Men love a challenging woman, someone who keeps them on their toes. Men are generally lazy in relationships once they feel they're in secure territory. When a man is challenged so he does something about it. If you want to keep your man interested, keep him challenged.

• Men are generally more reserved about sex than women. This is my experience is a fact. Men know what they like in bed and tend to stick to it. The adventurous sexual appetite in most men isn't there even if they are convinced it is. Men in reality are quite conservative. Sexually adventurous has nothing to do with having lots of partners and more to do with the things they will try with the same partner. In most test cases I have conducted, it is the man who looks for a quiet time in the bedroom and the woman who ultimately becomes bored.

• Men want a woman who will commit to them. Though increasingly this is hard to find, it doesn't take away the wish. Men want a girlfriend who they can share with and trust and be open with. Commitment is not a one way street and therefore men are struggling to find the levels of commitment they found previously. But the need is still there.

• Men don't want to be alone.

This column can easily fire a great debate. The fact is, a modern man is seeking a reliable, sexy, single girl with whom he can have a long term relationship with. He wants to have fun, share his life and ultimately settle down. There are a few long term bachelors but not that many. The problem guys have is that the world has changed. They don't necessarily want to have children and settle down straight away, but it will come. They do seek self-respect even if they are not the primary breadwinner and they seek respect from their partner.

While women become increasingly strong in their new roles in society, it is worth remembering that it takes, and always will take, two to tango.

NOTE:    I found this article interesting and wish to share it and wanted to know how you guys really feel about this article. Feel free to email me, comment me, etc.

My Five Year Plan??? If I Really Have One!!!

I like every other women in the world has thought about that wonderful five year plan, but I am not like normal women. I actually think like a guy……

I know, I know you probably is tripping about that little remark, but its perfectly true and if you ever met my true friends (well actually the ones that really knows me that is) they would tell you too. I drive like a man, I dismiss guys/girls like a man, I even enjoy toys and gadgets like men but that I even think like a guy. If that is even possible…

I am perfectly okay with my feminine  side and trust me I love fashion and shopping like the next girl but when it comes down to it; I sometimes can kick ass like the best of them. Maybe its because I have brothers and I grew up with them and their friends. I have a gift of looking at a guy and can actually tell you a lot about him too. I guess my brothers actually instilled that gift, lmao!

Ok, not to jump into another subject but I have a lot of guy friends, probably because I don’t get alone with woman. They find me a bit intimidating or something. Like I would still there boyfriends and you know what… I probably would because no matter how high my standard morals are they always find away to flirt with me and touch me gently to let me know they like me but I NEVER, EVER go out with my girlfriend’s boyfriends. It totally complicates things.

Now, my cousin has been bugging me about this little secret I have… Oh, wait you want to know too? I guess I will share but its really not a secret. Men are lonely or want excitement as the next woman does. Trust me, Men and Women are really not that different as everyone wants to believe. I have a regular male friend, which I consider my Sugar Daddy. Again, perfect gentleman and very respectful. Never slept with him but he always seek out my companionship such as hanging out and talking. I have known him for 11 years that's why I call him my regular. We speak on the phone and everything. If I want to be honest, I personally never made it as a good girlfriend, but with him I am the perfect girlfriend when I hangout with him and do things with my kids. No expectations, no lies, no complications, no nothing just a one night deal. What could a girl like me ask for?

Now, back to my five year plan:

1. I want to have my own apartment or townhouse in New York/New Jersey (not to big and not to small, just perfect).

2. I don’t want anymore kids… I have 4 already!

3. I always have guys buying me jewelry, and stuff; so I would want a big closet just for my shoes, clothes and jewelry. (One day someone will walk up to me and be like “Oh, nice necklace” and I will say “This? Oh, a perfect gentleman gave it to me!” **Smiles**

4. To finish my house in Puerto Rico. Its half completed but it needs a bit more.

5. I would probably be married in New York/New Jersey with a rich man but have a boyfriend in Puerto Rico or even back in Minnesota. (Now you see where my friends think I totally think and act like a guy?) They even call me Samantha Jones from Sex in the City. Now, that's a bit much if you ask me but I can totally see it sometimes. Please it shouldn’t even be a shocker! I get bored with men unless I find that perfect someone, which now a days is near impossible to me. They lack in something and brings a sense of flaw to the guy. Yuck!

6. My own ride-2012 Ford Mustang Boss with my favorite color. I will let you guess on that color….

You see simple and realistic… I love it already. My five year plan!!!

Video of the Day 9/4/2010

This is my youngest son, Josh!

Tara Thorton & Franklin Mott From True Blood Season 3

I just wanted to share with you one of my favorite episodes of Season 3… I hope you enjoy it as well as I did….Let me know what you think!

Really? Haven’t You Been Reading This….

Yesterday, I was with the kids as normal since we haven’t start school on this side of United States. I received calls all day but just ignore some and I was okay with that. I didn’t feel one bit distraught or guilty of not answering phone calls. I just wish people would stop actually asking me whether I miss them or want to have sex. Ok, I am usually game for new adventure but no one is really catching my attention because I feel like that's all guys want from me. So I have to admit that “Estoy Enamorada” translation “I am in love”, so I believe because I really don't find other guys even interesting or appeal to any of my senses at all. I have been think about him 24 hours a day even when you are getting on my nervous. So, I don’t really know what to do now. I had to come to that realization somehow on my own. What I want is this:

Estoy Enamorado/I’m In Love                                                             By Wisin & Yandel

[Yandel] Una nueva mañana Me levante pensando en todas las cosas lindas que hemos hecho (W con Yandel)	Yandel A new morning I wake up thinking of you and all the beautiful things we did together (W with Yandel),
Pensando en tu olor, en tu piel Para mí lo eres todo	I think of your smell, your skin and to me you are everything,
Quisiera estar siempre a tu lado (Aja) Huir de todo mal (Sentir tu magia)	I want to always be by your side chasing away everything evil ( to feel your magic)
De tu cuerpo un esclavo Y creo que te he demostrado que	I am a slave to your body and I believe I have demonstrated that I am
Estoy Enamorado (Oooh, Oooh) (Simplemente) Te lo quiero confesar (Te Lo Quería Decir)	In love (Simply) I want to confess to you
Totalmente ilusionado (Oooh, Oooh) Me la paso pensándote nunca voy a soltarte (Rumba)	that I am totally delusional I think about how I will never let you go (Rumba)
Estoy Enamorado (Oooh, Oooh) (Aja) Te lo quiero confesar	I am in love I want to confess to you
Totalmente ilusionado (Oooh, Oooh) Me la paso pensándote (Todo El Tiempo) Nunca voy a soltarte (Te Cuento, Escucha W)	that I am totally delusional I think about how I will never let you go (All in Time) I will never let you go (I will find you) Listen W
[Wisin] Quería progreso, la calle le di un receso (He!) Mi voz tenia peso, con un corazón preso (He!)	Wisin I wanted to progress, the street gave him a break My voice had weight with a heart as a prisoner
Ella me libra de todo mal con tan solo un beso (He!) Ha sido un proceso, pero el amor llego de regreso Yo sigo a su lado, su amor es sagrado (He, He, He)	She delivered me from all evil with just one kiss Has been a process, but the love came I'm back at his side, his love is sacred
Estoy muy claro, del amor el significado Ella tiene reinado, conmigo a batallado (Aja) Como dos soldados nos hemos ayudado (Escúchame Bien)	I'm very clear, the meaning of love She's reign me in, fought with me (Aja) As two soldiers we have helped one another (Listen Well)
[Yandel] Estoy Enamorado (Oooh, Oooh) Te lo quiero confesar (Es Que Ya Te Lo Quería Decir) Totalmente ilusionado (Oooh, Oooh) Totalmente ilusionado (Oooh, Oooh) Me la paso pensándote nunca voy a soltarte (Princesa)	I am in love I want to confess to you (Its that I need to tell you already) that I am totally delusional that I am totally delusional I think about how I will never let you go I will never let you go (Princess)
Estoy Enamorado (Oooh, Oooh) (Aja) Te lo quiero confesar Totalmente ilusionado (Oooh, Oooh) Me la paso pensándote nunca voy a soltarte (Hey, Doble)	I am in love I want to confess to you (Its that I need to tell you already) that I am totally delusional I think about how I will never let you go I will never let you go
[Wisin] Ella tiene la sustancia, de la perseverancia (Te) Tengo amor en abundancia (Tu Lo Sabes) Princesa tú has cambiado mi arrogancia (He, He, He) 25 problemas 40 circunstancias Y yo te quiero decir (He!)	Wisin [Girl] She has the substance, of perseverance I have love in abundance (You know) Princess you've changed my arrogance 25 problems and 40 circumstances and I want to tell you
Que tu cuerpo quiero consumir sin discutir (Aja) Ella me empieza a dirigir (Aja) Me toca yo me empiezo a derretir (Tiene Magia) Eres la mujer de mi vida lo tengo que admitir (Señores Yandel)	That I want to consume your body without discussing (Aja) She starts to run (Aja)  you touch me and I start to melt (You have Magic) You are the woman of my life I have to admit (Gentlemen Yandel)
[Yandel] Quisiera estar siempre a tu lado Huir de todo mal (Solo Quiero Que Ella Me De La Oportunidad) De tu cuerpo un esclavo Y creo que te he demostrado que (Presta Atención)	Yandel I want to be with you always chasing away everything evil from her (just I want her to give me a chance)  I am a slave to your body And I think I have shown that (Pay Attention)
Estoy Enamorado (Oooh, Oooh) Te lo quiero confesar (W, Yandel) Totalmente ilusionado (Oooh, Oooh) Me la paso pensándote nunca voy a soltarte	I am in love I want to confess to you (Its that I need to tell you already) that I am totally delusional I think about how I will never let you go I will never let you go
Estoy Enamorado (Oooh, Oooh) Te lo quiero confesar (W, Yandel) Totalmente ilusionado (Oooh, Oooh) Me la paso pensándote nunca voy a soltarte	I am in love I want to confess to you (Its that I need to tell you already) that I am totally delusional I think about how I will never let you go I will never let you go
[Wisin] (Ja, Ja) Evidentemente tienes magia Tiene la llave de mi corazón en tus manos Quienes son W, Yandel Víctor “El Nazi”, Nesty El Profesor Gomez WY Records	Wisin Obviously you have the magic you have the key to my heart in your hands Who are they W, Yandel, Victor "El Nazi" El Professor Gomez Nesty WY Records
Señora, te lo tengo que decir Escucha bien	Miss I must tell you Listen carefully
[Yandel] Quisiera estar siempre a tu lado Huir de todo mal De tu cuerpo un esclavo Y creo que te he demostrado que	Yandel I want to be with you always chasing away everything evil from her I am a slave to your body And I think I have shown that
Estoy Enamorado (Oooh, Oooh) Te lo quiero confesar Totalmente ilusionado (Oooh, Oooh) Me la paso pensándote nunca voy a soltarte	I am in love I want to confess to you (Its that I need to tell you already) that I am totally delusional I think about how I will never let you go I will never let you go

This song was dedicated to me by Black. I have translated it for those of you who are Spanish illiterate. Don’t feel bad sometimes I feel like that myself. The song is on the player below, too….